Growing up, my feelings were hurt fairly often. I may not have always let it show, but I spent a lot of time feeling hurt and small. Because of that, I try to not hurt other peoples' feelings. I may not always suceed, but I try. Then again, when someone does hurt me now, I really lash out.
I never really thought so much about honesty until I got divorced. I got so sick and tired of people asking how me and my husband were doing, and lying to them, telling them what I thought they wanted to hear. It just felt so wrong. I was sad and angry and lonely and frustrated, and I felt like I couldn't let anyone in on that. Instead I comforted myself with food, to the point where I became concerned about my health. That's when I stopped the lies and let the truth come out. The best move I've ever made.
Now it's more a matter of every day relationships. We must all know people who we feel like we have to tiptoe around. We stretch the truth to keep from breaking them. Some people are so fragile (or seem to be) that we tell lies to prevent the scales from tipping. Meanwhile, they're making us crazy! The sound of their voice makes us cringe. Being in their company is so annoying it gives you a headache, and you avoid going places to stay away from them. You don't answer the phone so that you don't have to talk to them. You do what you can to prevent them from getting your email address so you don't even have to see their name. You try to pretend they don't exist. And yet they seem to be so generous and thankful to know you - but is that just their way of seeking acceptance?
Is this right?
Why can't we just say, "I don't feel comfortable with you, and I wish you'd stop trying to be my friend. I don't want to be your friend." We do have the right to pick our friends, don't we? I can't say that I am aware of knowing anyone who has done this.
In my teen years I had a few "friends" that I dropped because the relationship became too weird, or uncomfortable, and even stifling. Back then, I just cut off communications with these people, and eventually, they went away.
Should I have told them the truth straight up?
Why do you have to be so competitive? I'm tired of competing. I
just want to be your friend. I don't enjoy hanging out with the
competitive you anymore.I find you to be weird and wacked, and honestly, I think you need some
serious, professional help. I'm outta here!
Okay, showing up at my house uninvited is one thing, but following me
around town to see who I'm hanging out with instead of you? What kind of
friend is that? I'm moving on sister!
Remember, I was a teenager, and EVERYTHING'S difficult in the teen years.
Now as an adult, and a parent, I want to know the correct way to deal with these kinds of relationships. I want my son to see and learn the correct way right from the start.
Is it being polite to coddle people at the risk of your own personal well-being, or just plain stupid?
5 comments:
Tough one.
Being brought up in the same household, I tend to treat relationships the same way. And if I can be honest, in most situations where I'm put on the spot, most often I will give the kind answer, not the honest one in order to spare one's feelings. I hate doing it, but it seems to be the lesser of two evils I suppose.
I think it's a little mean to ignore a person, but sometimes that person has a way of making you so insanely uncomfortable that it seems to be the only option. I'm dealing with the same thing at work right now. This co-worker just totally rubs me the wrong way, and I can't even bring myself to look him in the eye. It drives me crazy too because I feel like I have no control over my feelings! At least I only have to deal with it during the workweek, and it's not as though he's in my face all day long.
I think the best way to deal with such a situation as you're discussing is to do just as you say - put it all out on the table. Explain what your boundaries are and demand that they are maintained - easier said than done of course. But, I do think that if the person knew how much they were making you crazy they would feel badly and want to rectify the situation by respecting your space. Wishful thinking? It's a matter of balancing the the coddling with being honest and respecting yourself and your needs in order to remain sane!
Good luck! you know I'm here if you need to chat!
wow, i like this one!!!! my honesty has gotten me into much trouble in my life. . . but i can't help myself - it seems bizarre that being honest gets a person into deep ca ca. . but it does. . but i'd rather have to clean myself off sometimes, be misunderstood or even disliked than be false. some ppl just can't deal with the truth. . depends what it is, you have to pick your battles. If i feel really strongly, there is no way that i could be anything but truthful - and not 'mean' truthful but just up front, you know? even so, some can't handle it. that's why i love my dog. . she's so uncomplicated!!! people are much trickier!
"pick your battles" is probably the right way to put it. I think most of the time we will look the other way, or tell a white lie because it's easier to keep the peace. When honesty is difficult - as in it may hurt their feelings, so it's hard to say - we reserve that for when it's really important, when we really care, and someone needs to know whether it hurts or not.
Lucy, I was surprised to see a comment from a complete stranger, and surprisingly pleased at the same time. Thank you so much for considering my blog worthy of your reading and commenting time!
I like being able to hear different peoples' opinions and weighing them all together then forming my own.
So thank you again for the input!
Hey Lori, good to see you.
Do you always feel like you have to give people an excuse or a reason to turn them down too? I hate how we do that. It's nobody's business why we make the choices that we do, and we all have the right to say no to anything we choose. But still we feel like we have to explain ourselves.
I'm like you, I try to put myself in their shoes and "do unto others as I would have done unto myself" - pardon my paraphrasing :)
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